The Bible is the holy Word of God. But unless you know ancient Greek and Hebrew, you’ve only read it in translation.
But why do those Bible translations have to be so boring and constricting? Whatever your style or ideology, there’s probably a “translation” out there for you!
(Editor’s note: None of these translations are actually recommended. There are a number of serious Bible translations available to choose from: RSV-2CE, ESV, NIV, etc)
1) LOLCat
Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem. (Genesis 1.1)
Oh hai! LOLCat is an online language used to caption photos of cats. And people have taken the time to translate (almost) the whole Bible into it. Srsly. That’s the Internet for ya.
2) Klingon
vaD joH’a’ vaj loved the qo’, vetlh ghaH nobta’ Daj wa’ je neH puqloD, vetlh ‘Iv HartaH Daq ghaH should ghobe’ chIlqu’, ‘ach ghaj eternal yIn. (John 3.16)
Star Trek is one of those thing where you either aren’t into it, or you’re really into it. This geeky translation is only for the most hardcore fans.
3) Street talk
First off, nothing. No light, no time, no substance, no matter. Second off, God starts it all up and WHAP! Stuff everywhere! The cosmos in chaos: no shape, no form, no function—just darkness … total. And floating above it all, God’s Holy Spirit, ready to play. (Genesis 1.1-2)
More a retelling or paraphrase than a translation strictly speaking, The Word on the Street is a 500-page abridgment of the Good Book using “street talk.”
4) Hippie
The phat news of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. As it was written and prophesied: “Behold, I send My seed camp, who will setup a Welcome Home before Him. The voice of one focalizing in the National Forest: ‘Get prepared for the coming of the Christ, get His main circle ready.” (Mark 1.1-3)
So apparently “hippie” is its own language deserving of its own translation of the Bible. Or at least the Gospel of Mark, which is all that it appears has been translated thus far.
5) Conservative
And I say again to you, that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for an idle miser to enter into the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 19.24; “rich man” has been changed to “idle miser”)
To combat the left-wing conspiracy to infiltrate the minds of faithful Christians with their biased translations (read: pretty much all major translations), Andrew Schlafly decided to start the Conservative Bible Project. Using the KJV as their base, he and his team are producing a translation that will, among other things, “explain the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning.”
6) Teetotaler
…every man at the beginning sets out the good beverage, and when the guests have become drunk, then that which is inferior, but you have kept the good grape juice until now. (John 2.10)
The New Testament of The Holy Bible: A Purified Translation was published in 2000 and changes any verses that speak well of wine to be talking about non-alcoholic grape juice instead.
7) Cockney
One day, God took a bit of a dirt from the ground, and ‘e made the shape of some geezer out of it. He then breathed into the fisherman’s hose of his geezer, and would you Adam-and-Eve it, the dirt geezer started to live; God had obviously breathed fork into ‘im! (Genesis 2.7)
This one’s the The Bible in Cockney: Well Bits of it Anyway by Mike Coles. The book description says that Coles “hated [religious education] when he was at school, and vowed that he would never make the children suffer as he had to! When he moved to the East End nearly 15 years ago, he immediately fell in love with Cockney rhyming slang and started to use it in his lessons. The children loved it, he decided to write down some of his stories and – well, here they are.”
8) Broad Yorkshire
‘Go to all t’ nations o’ t’ world ter finnd disciples, an’ baptise fowk i’ t’ name o’ t’ Fatther, t’ Son an’t’ Holy Sperrit. Learn ’em all ‘at yer’ve learned from me — an’ think on! Ah s’ll allus bi wi’ my disciples — reight until t’ end o’ time.’ (Matthew 28.19-20)
The Ee by Gum, Lord!: The Gospels in Broad Yorkshire is another translation into an English dialect. As one commenter put it, “It really puts a whole new slant on the bible, making it seem more friendly and accessible like Yorkshire fowk are.”
9) LGBT
Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind in the temple of Molech: it is an abomination. (Leviticus 18.22; “in the temple of Molech” has been added)
If the Bible teaches that homosexual acts are immoral… then all you have to do is change the Bible. Problem solved! The Queen James Version is just the KJV with any verses condemning homosexual acts altered.