29 Face-Palm-Worthy Church Bulletin Bloopers

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Oh, church humor. Where would we be without you?

Gathered from around the web for your comedic pleasure, here are 29 bloopers that supposedly appeared in real church bulletins…

1) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

2) Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.

3) Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

4) Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

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5) For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

6) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

7) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

8) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

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vai giphy.com

9) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

10) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

11) The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours.”

12) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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13) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

14) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

15) The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

16) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

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17) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

18) Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”

19) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

20) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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21) Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.

22) The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth With Joy”.

23) Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”

24) If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

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25) It’s Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.

26) Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.

27) The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

28) GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better! [The pastor had been sick]

29) Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

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